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Iaorana! I’m visiting some incredibly beautiful tropical islands right now and I don’t have a lot of Internet time. So instead of our usual travel story this week, I’m going to share an article that I recently wrote for MedjetAssist (see Website of the Week). I’m pretty sure that anyone who travels will find it useful. Plus, Sarah Kozer takes us to Big Bear, California and finally, this week we’ve got some useful information for travelers about fighting the flu. If you want to stay healthy while you’re on the go, check out this information from the Center for Disease Control.

As I write this, I’m flying over Detroit on my way to Los Angeles from New York. I’ve decided to write about airplane etiquette because more than a few things have irked me on this four and a half hour flight. For starters, I’m sitting in the first row of economy and the pilot just got on the PA and requested that everyone take their seats and put their seatbelts on, including the flight attendants. So you know we’re about to go through some rough air. Well, what do you know? Just a minute later, a line for the bathroom, which is right in front of me, forms. It’s longer now than it has been the whole flight. What the heck?! This doesn’t make any sense and a flight attendant just got on the PA to reiterate the instructions. But passengers still aren’t listening.

Listen up, people! I dated a flight attendant for four years and believe me I know what bothers them most. Not listening to crew instructions has to be their number one pet peeve; it’s also a felony offense. As the announcement stated, the seatbelt sign isn’t on just for your safety, but for the safety of others around you. If one of those people had landed on me when the plane hit an air pocket, you know I would have given them an extra elbow, just to knock some sense into them.

TURN DOWN THE MUSIC
Another annoyance on this flight: excessive headphone noise. Yes, we’ve all experienced it -- on the subway, on the bus and now on the plane. Everyone in the world seems to have an iPod and some just don’t have a clue how much noise the earbuds emit. I’m seated in 19A and the dude in 19F, six seats and an aisle away, has his music so loud that I can hear every beat. Unfortunately, he’s listening to hardcore rap, which I don’t care for so it’s really annoying and, I might add, rude. If he wasn’t three times my size and didn’t have that gangbanger tattoo on his elbow and cheek, I would just get up and b*tch slap him. But instead, I gave him the ol’ stink eye and it looks like we now have a date to rumble when we land. Be aware, will you?

EASY DOES IT
It really amazes me how much travelers lack common courtesy these days. If it’s a short flight (three hours or less), I rarely ever recline my seat because space is already limited. The only time I do lean back is when the person in front of me reclines. Then, before I recline, I turn around and give a heads up to the person behind me, letting them know that I’m about to invade their personal space. As a frequent laptop user, I appreciate when the person in front of me allows me the time to adjust my laptop so my computer screen doesn’t get wedged and break. TIP: Speaking of laptops: Always close them when drinks are being served because spills happen.

BE FRIENDLY
Other notables: When you take your seat for the first time, smile and say hello to your seatmate. If the person beside you is chatty and you don’t want to be, then immediately put your headphones on, even if you don’t want to listen to music. This indicates that you aren’t interested in idle chitchat and they’ll get the message. If they don’t, just explain that you’ve had a long day and you want to get some sleep, catch up on some TV, finish your book club book or whatever excuse suits you.

DON’T PULL HAIR
When getting up to use the loo, don’t push or grab the seat in front of you in such a way that you wake the person seated in it or worse, pull on their hair. I barely even have any hair and this has happened to me many times! It not only startles me but makes me want to pay the guy in 19F to put a cap in your arse! Again, just be aware!

MIDDLE SEAT
We all know the most unpopular seats on the plane are the middle seats. And in my experience, it’s rarely filled by a solo female traveler who is pretty, or a passenger who is in good shape with pleasant body odor. When the plane is full, which is typically the case these days, and some poor soul gets stuck in the middle seat, it’s common knowledge that they get both armrests. So don’t try to elbow them for space ... even if they are smelly.

DON’T SPREAD THE GERMS
If you need to cough or sneeze, cover your mouth! The flying tube is already infested with germs from the re-circulated air and we don’t need any more nasties flying around. Just cover your mouth or better yet, wear a mask like the Japanese do when they’re sick.

WEAR SHOES TO THE BATHROOM
I’m a guy and I realize how messy we men can be when using the loo. Maybe if the aircraft toilets had a bulls-eye, we would aim better. If you haven’t noticed it by about 20 minutes into the flight, the bathroom floor is already covered in urine. Personally, I think airplanes should have male and female bathrooms not only because then we wouldn’t have to wait so long in line, but also to be more considerate to women because they don’t miss. For the men out there with bad aim ... wipe it up before leaving and always be sure the bathroom doors are closed -- no one wants to smell it!

NO McDONALD’S
Yes, the airlines are all cutting back and some don’t even offer food on board (jetBlue is one of them). If you are going to bring food on the plane, which I suggest you do, try not to bring anything hot or smelly like McDonald’s. Though it smells good in the airport, it won’t when you are 37,000 feet up.

CELL PHONES
Turn your cell phone off when you’re told to. We hear you sneaking your last minute calls while taxiing down the runway. More importantly, don’t speak so loudly that everyone can hear you. My dad is almost deaf and I can still talk to him without letting the passenger next to me hear what I’m saying. If this annoys you too, a solution is to bring earplugs and/or noise canceling headsets.

Everything above should be common sense but you’d be surprised ... it’s not. So, here’s a list of other common courtesies gone bad.

DON’T PASS THE GAS
Flatulence: Could you please go into the bathroom instead of gassing us? Just because we can’t hear it doesn’t mean we don’t know who dealt it. First of all, the beef and broccoli was a dead giveaway. Secondly, we see your smirk each time you pop. Just go to the bathroom.

BOARDING
When you come cruising down the aisle to take your seat, try not to take seated passengers out with your swinging backpack or purse. Also, how difficult is it to put your bags in the overhead compartments correctly and quickly? The moment you find your seat, throw whatever you need (iPod, newspaper, food) on your seat and then put your bag up wheels first and sit down. Don’t decide when you get to your seat to go hunting for your glasses, pen or magazine once you’ve stowed your luggage up above, because then you’re just blocking the aisle. Have everything ready when you’re in the gate area.

MISCELLANEOUS
Snoring also bothers many passengers but that’s a tough one to deal with it. Earplugs do the trick for me but if it’s really too loud, I rip a string off my baggage tag and tickle the person’s neck so they wake up. Of course, I only do this while no one else is looking. Window shade: If it’s a night flight, lower the window shade so when the sun comes up in the middle of the flight no one is disturbed; I bring eye shades to prevent this. And finally: For that kicking kid sitting behind you ... if the parent doesn’t get the stink eye, try to make friends with him by bribing him. Five dollars often does the trick. But I know you’d rather give him and his parents a swift kick in the ass.

Finally, in today’s flying environment, no one is more stressed out than the flight attendants and gate agents. Their pay and their benefits have been cut and they often take the heat from passengers, like it’s their fault. I see so many passengers taking their problems out on these people. Instead, be very kind to them. I almost always bring them a box of chocolates and a smile. They are always appreciative and will make my flight as pleasurable as can be. Besides, I might need them to help me take out the gym monkey in 19F.

Happy travels!

NEXT WEEK
Next Week somewhere remote and exotic.

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