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ST. KITTS MARRIOTT RESORT
After clearing customs, I was stoked that the drive from the airport to the St. Kitts Marriott Resort was just a quick seven minutes. When we pulled up to the hotel, I couldn't believe how big it was. I wasn't expecting a five-floor building and 513 rooms. I'm not usually a fan of huge hotels unless I'm in a big city but here, it worked, probably because the 26-acre resort was spread out and there was plenty of open air, light and things to do. They have everything a business or leisure traveler could want. Right off the bat, a business traveler who's attending a convention would appreciate the high speed Internet and 38,000 square feet of nine indoor/outdoor meeting rooms. As for the other amenities any traveler would love, read on.

MY ROOM
My fifth floor, standard room was a good size and most importantly, it was clean and comfortable. It had West Indian accents and featured the Marriott's standard plush and cozy Revive bed that I love lounging in. The air conditioning worked well and the brown tiled shower/tub was wide enough so I didn't get any cooties touching the clean shower curtain. The first thing I did after the bellman brought my bags up was order some tasty room service and log on to my computer so I could make some free phone calls through Skype and download my emails.

CASINO
After a hot shower, I went down to the Royal Beach Casino to see what was going on down there. It turns out that at 35,000 square feet, it's one of the Caribbean's largest. Yes, the Atlantis in the Bahamas is bigger but the Bahamas is not considered the Caribbean. I learned that from chatting with one of the casino managers. I also learned that they offer the same lines and odds as Vegas. That's unusual for the Caribbean but explains why they get 35 junkets to come down a year. I was impressed ... until I lost all my money on roulette.



RISE AND SHINE!
I love arriving at new destinations at night. First, it's easier to ward off the jet lag because I'm tired after a long day of travel. And secondly, you have no idea what a place looks like until the sun comes up. So when you pull back those blackout curtains for the first time the next morning, it's sort of like opening up a Christmas present. And this view was a keeper! When I laid eyes on the beautiful coastline with its perfectly lush green hills, I felt like I was in the South Pacific. Best of all, most guest rooms include large private balconies for guests to sit out and really take in that view.

BREAKFAST
Surprisingly, even with the four-hour time change (they are on Standard Time so it's one hour ahead of New York) I woke up at 6am, ready and raring to go. I decided to grab some breakfast but the Calypso Restaurant didn't open up its doors until 6:30am. FYI: There's no need to rush out of bed; they don't stop serving breakfast until 11am. So I took a walk around the property until the clock struck 6:25 and snuck in five minutes early. It felt like a coup! At $21, their breakfast buffet was not cheap but it wasn't outrageously expensive either. For what they were offering it was actually reasonable and besides, I'm a big eater so I got my money's worth! Don't you just hate having that mentality? Because that's how you get fat!

MORE BUFFET
I've got to tell you, I love being the first and only person around to dive into a buffet. And believe me, I went to town. I started off with a sampling of their assorted pastries, then moved over to the fruit. The fruit and orange juice was disappointing. Neither were as fresh or as exotic as I had imagined. However, the pancake/waffle bar with every kind of compote (pineapple, banana, blueberry, coconut …) made up for it. As did the made-to-order omelet and the other selections of hot foods. When I saw the sign for "Johnny Cakes", I was like ... WHAT?! But the fried cornmeal balls have a better name than taste.

THE STAFF: The staff were friendly but their personalities only seemed to shine through once you broke the ice. I got the impression that visitors don't treat them well so it takes a smile and some small talk to get them going.

RESORT FOOD
The resort has eight restaurants and I ate at five of them. Overall, I'd say that the food is above average. I started off at the Royal Grille Steakhouse, which serves a selection of fine beef (including Kobe), fresh seafood and an international wine list. For an appetizer, I had the yellow pepper soup and an incredible Caesar salad; both were yummy. The bread and sun dried tomato butter were also evil and I could just feel my belt getting tighter. The servers were always present, constantly filling up the water and wine glasses. The other standout restaurant was Blu. It's a fine dining seafood restaurant only open for dinner. I'm not a seafood kind of guy but I sampled the crab appetizer and ahi tuna and they were very good -- even to my finicky taste buds! But I really feasted on the coconut soup and chicken with sweet potato mash. I didn't get a chance to try the Italian restaurant La Cucina, the Bohemia Beach Bar & Grille or the Pizza Shack. But I did have lunch at the golf course's Clubhouse Grille and had the best mojito, made with fresh mint grown on property at the Keys Cigar & Rum Bar. The live Cuban music and Havana cigars didn't hurt, either.

ROYAL ST. KITTS GOLF CLUB
The hotel has a really nice 18-hole golf course. The Royal St. Kitts Golf Club has a par of 71. My shoulder was hurting from playing so much beach volleyball that I only played a couple holes. This is a big draw for visitors and they offer lessons and rentals. They also have a driving range and putting green to sharpen your skills, which I clearly needed. The last four holes are along the Atlantic Ocean and are picturesque. The course and resort is so nice that every April, they have an annual legends tournament where many of the famous retired sports stars (like Bruce Smith, LT and Jim McMahon) come down and play.

THE BEACH
The west side of St. Kitts borders the Caribbean Sea and the eastern coast faces the Atlantic Ocean. I went down to the beach to check it out and quickly realized that it was open to the public. There were a few riff-raff-looking dudes around and they asked me if I wanted to pet their monkey. I looked at them with disgust. "No, I do not want to pet your monkey." They laughed and said, in their thick Caribbean accents, "We asked if you wanted to take a picture with our monkey?" They pointed to a poor, crazy, bouncy-looking thing chained to a beach umbrella and wearing a diaper small enough to fit a Cabbage Patch doll. I said, "Thanks but no thanks," and kept walking. You see, St. Kitts apparently has more monkeys than humans and you don't see them until you drive around the island. These monkeys were introduced from Africa two centuries ago and are called green vervet monkeys. Although my first impression of the beach wasn't the grandest, it turned out to be very nice. The sand was soft, the women selling knick-knacks were pleasant and the monkey guys were really quite harmless. The best part was that the water was like a big bathtub and there's a giant trampoline float to swim out to. It's so much fun to jump off of.

WHAT TO DO
There's a lot more to do at the resort then just lounge around at the beach or pool, play golf, chance your luck at the casino or eat. There are a few shops on property that don't try and rip you off too badly (I bought a medium size toothpaste for $1.50) and a hair salon. For one, this is a family-friendly hotel. They offer a kids' club and an arcade with video games. In addition, they have snorkeling, table tennis, tennis, pool volleyball, a state-of-the-art gym and a 15,000 square foot spa. Nearby activities that can be arranged are hiking, horseback riding, jet-skiing, sailing, scuba diving and a jogging/fitness trail.

EMERALD MIST SPA
The Emerald Mist Spa has a sauna, steam room and hot and cold tubs. You know that's where I parked my overstuffed arse one afternoon as I signed up for an $85, 50-minute massage. Right off the bat, I knew I was going to like this place because they didn't make me wear paper underwear like in Malaysia and France. They also had comfortable sandals that actually fit my foot (size 13). The soft, heavy robes I walked around in made me feel like I was Hugh Hefner and the sheets on the hydraulic massage table were cottony soft. Chloestra, my masseuse, was a tiny woman but strong like Bam Bam! The plush treatment room was nice and dark -- and when she flipped me over, she put a cover on my eyes; this should be standard practice during a massage but it's not done in many places. And how could I not love a masseuse who scratches my head, stretches my limbs and smothers warm oil all over my naked body, then cleans me up with hot steamed towels? St. Kitts Marriott Resort & The Royal Beach Casino, 858 Frigate Bay Road, Frigate Bay, Saint Kitts and Nevis; Phone: 1 869-466-1200.

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