The True Survivor Test

What's all this fuss about "Survivor?"

People get to play a real-life exotic board game in a beautiful setting, cuddle up next to nature and develop special bonds with others. They receive tremendous attention on TV and in various other media outlets, will probably write some emotional memoirs that will sell like a Seiinfield sitcom and to top it off can win a million dollars.

So what if they have to occasionally jump off a small cliff, cross a river and eat a few bugs? That's like a walk in the woods compared to what us pubbers and clubbers endure on a regular basis.

You want to talk survival? Let's see if any of those made-for-TV contestants could survive these true tests of human endurance:

• Spend three weeks in the Greek Islands where there's a party every single day. And that only serves as a warmup to the more intense nighttime activities. Heck, let's see them spend just three days on Ios, the original island of survival. Contest rules: Must go out every day and night.

• Hit Amsterdam's coffee shops, the Red Light District and the Leidsplein all in the same day. Contest rules: Must visit at least a dozen places and have more than one drink in each establishment.

• Take a three- or four-day weekend jaunt to some party madhouse like Cabo San Lucas or a special event like Mardi Gras, Spring Break or JazzFest where the only break from beer is tequila shots. Contest rules: There ARE no rules.

• Spend more than one night in New Orleans. Contest rules: Spend more than one night in New Orleans.

• Down a 64-ounce bucket of Shark Attacks at Sharkeez in Los Angeles and live to tell about it the next day. Contest rules: If others share the bucket, must have more than one.

• Participate in some early-morning fun-run like Bay to Breakers or the Super Bowl 10K, drink your way from start to finish, then go out afterward. Contest rules: Must drink continuously. Bonus points: Running in costume.

Not only are these challenges tougher than anything the TV show can create, but they offer far greater rewards for the participants. For example:

• People in your group actually cheer for you instead of against you behind your back.

• Have a good enough time and people will actually vote to keep you ON the party island instead of trying to kick you off of it.

• No silly lawsuits claiming the contest was rigged.

• The availability of good bar food to eat instead of live insects and other unrecognizable items.

• People won't look down on you if you have sex with someone in your group (or in any other group, for that matter)!

So the next time you see a member of the Survivor cast struggling through some task dreamed up by a TV exec, take heart in the knowledge that you have survived ordeals that are far more challenging.

The Bartender can be reached at bartender@pubclub.com