In 2007 I was invited to Club Med Opio, which is 30 kilometers (18 miles) from the Nice airport, high in the hills above Cannes, in a truly delightful corner of Provence. I quickly learned one of the most popular places is the spa, complete with a mosaic-tiled Hammam steam bath and sauna. Like most spas, this one offers a wide range of services. I signed up for a 35-minute relaxing massage with essential oils (it smelled like Citronella) for 62 Euros ($85).
I arrived for my appointment and one of the pretty receptionists handed me a robe and showed me to the men’s locker room. I put my clothes in a locker, donned the robe and went out to the waiting room overlooking the beautiful Roman pool—and sat there with just my robe on, trying to make sure the dragon didn’t make an unscheduled appearance.
My masseuse was a woman, and she escorted me to the room. She said something in French, which I didn’t understand, and then said, “Voila.” Usually, after being led into the treatment room, the masseuse steps out so you can get your naked body on the table and under a towel so no one has to witness what’s beneath the robe. But when she said, “Voila!” again and motioned for me to get on the table, I gathered she was telling me to drop the towel and hoist my naked ass up onto the table.
I didn’t want to look like a prude American, and I figured I would never see her again, so I did as I was told and just …well, dropped the towel. WHOA NELLY! You should’ve seen this scene. I don’t know who was more surprised—the masseuse or my reaction to her reaction.
After I let it all hang out she let out a little scream and quickly turned around. I instantly grabbed the paper covering from the table and covered you-know-who. With her back to me and one hand over her eyes, she handed me some paper underwear. It turned out that the women at the front desk had “forgotten” to give me this important cover-up. Talk about embarrassing. Yikes!
To make matters even worse, their disposable underwear turned out to be a black thong! Nice little French flair, right? Wrong! I’ve never worn a thong before so I wasn’t quite sure which way it went on until I put it on the wrong way. Trust me, you’ll know. When I finally put it on the right way, I felt more naked then when I was actually naked. Oh my! This was one massage I won’t forget and it’s safe to say I won’t be going back to Club Med Opio anytime soon.
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